I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
