You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
