if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
