I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Operation Purity has been aborted
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
