Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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