craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
