i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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