I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
