my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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