so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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