similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
