I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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