Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Two words: blizzard sex
Drunk is not a location!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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