I must be too annoying 4 u.
It's Friday. Sex?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
