So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
