So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize