"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
