I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
