Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
