im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize