i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize