So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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