so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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