You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
