She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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