He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
