does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
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