you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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