I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
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umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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