Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
