When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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