I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
