I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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