I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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