Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
its not stalking. its research.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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