closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
