party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
