I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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