If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
