if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
