I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
