You don't have asthma, your pregnant
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
