It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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