I think I won the penis lottery.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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