oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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