Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
