TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
