Princesses don't give blow jobs
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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