I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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