did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
