I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I don't deserve a penis
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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