Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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