i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
