I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
