My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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